As most of you know, I grew up going to church. I started following Christ when I was around 12 or 13, and even though I have fought it many times, I’ve known since high school my dream is to work in ministry in some capacity. Last year while I was preparing and fundraising for this year, I was the closest to God I had probably ever been. I would spend hours reading my Bible and other Christian books and going on walks just talking to God. In November, I became fully funded which was a total God thing. Things were great.
And then two weeks later, the thought came to my mind: Do I believe in God as much as I act like I do? Honestly, I didn’t want to really think about that so I pushed it from my mind until it came back up a few days later in a book I was reading. Do I believe in God as much as I act like I do? No… Do I even believe in God? I’m not sure…
And that began my journey of doubt and trying to figure out who God is. And that’s how I started the world race in January- questioning God’s existence. And if I’m honest, it’s still a question that I face almost every day. Jesus makes so much sense to me. But God? I can’t figure Him out. So for me, meeting other Christians in so many different parts of the world has been my favorite part of this year. The number of people who gather together in His name and the similarities I see in their faith have helped me know that no matter how much I want to deny it, I can’t. He exists.
I’m currently reading a book and the intro to it says: “Imagine that Jesus walks up to you, right now, and asks you to follow him. He doesn’t tell you where, and he doesn’t tell you what it will entail. He just asks you to come. Will you say yes?”
Last week God gave me such an encouraging real life example of Him asking us to come. We went to a village and as we were walking a little boy probably around 5 years old behind us shouted Hey! To us. MK and I turned around and invited Him to come to us. I walked towards him, held out my hand and asked Do you want to come? Honestly, I don’t think he understood anything I was saying, but after a moment he walked to me and grabbed my hand. He held on the whole time we were there, even when some of the other kids tried to get him to go with them. Later we passed a lady with a small toddler who she tried to get to join us. So while still holding onto the hand of the little boy, I reached out for her and invited her to come. She walked a few steps to me crying, looked back at her mom and just kept crying. She didn’t want to leave her mom, so she ended up staying with her. As we were heading back the way we came, a little girl tried to send her toddler sister home so she could run around with Kel. The toddler started crying, so I once more held out my hand and invited her to come walk with us. With one hand she took hold of me and with the other hand she kept reaching towards her sister hoping she would remember her. I didn’t care if they ended up stepping on me, throwing dirt at me or whatever. Each time I reached out my hand, all I hoped was that the children would feel seen and loved in the midst of all the children. Through each of these children, God showed me our responses to Him asking us to come with Him. We can choose the world, we can choose God but still be looking at the world, or we can grab on tightly to Him and never let go.
Like I said, I question God’s existence a lot. All He wants is us to come to Him- to feel seen and know by Him and to know Him. Some days I respond like the little boy holding on tightly to God’s truth, but again if I’m honest, more often than I would like to admit I respond like the little girl. I say yes to God, but I look at the world around me as I’m walking instead of Him alone. Part of my struggle is I forget to say yes to God every day. I think because I said yes, 13 years ago I will easily wake up and follow Him. But that’s not the case. I have to daily get up and follow when He asks me to come.
