Jesus’ Generosity

Some of us have no idea what we want, because we sacrifice our desires on the altar of other people’s expectations. We settle for “should.” We settle for “have to” instead of “want to.” And then we wonder why we don’t feel the joy of the Lord. It’s because we’re listening to the wrong voices.

-Mark Batterson

I’ve shared some about my decision to apply for the World Race, but if you don’t know the past year of my life, you probably wouldn’t realize how perfectly God has been working in it.

When I moved back home last year, I had plans to find a job and start to “settle down.” And my hope was that this job would be in a new, exciting place. I spent September and October desperately trying to figure out what I wanted to do and applying to every job opening that had the tiniest bit of interest to me. However, I was having no luck. 

This continued for months. I took part-time jobs to pay my car bills and continued to search for a real job but still wasn’t having any luck. Every application and interview ended in rejection. Just so you know, I have a huge fear of failure, and I easily believe the lie that I am not good enough or wanted. So you can imagine how this time in life was affecting me emotionally and mentally. From my perspective I was, by all accounts, a failure. I was a 23 year old living at home because I was constantly being turned down from job applications. I didn’t even have friends. As time went on, I began to feel as if I really didn’t have a purpose for living and the thought that things would be much easier if I was dead crept into my head.

I spent many hours in tears asking God why. Why was I not good enough? Why was I such a failure? What had I done wrong? Even though I was continually questioning God, I was thankfully closer to Him than I had been in a long time- or maybe even ever. 

When I first moved home, I had literally nothing to do, because I didn’t have a job or a community outside my family. So I began to read my Bible. I also began to read Christian books by Mark Batterson and David Platt. These were the types of books I used to dislike but now, all of a sudden, I couldn’t get enough of. Even though I didn’t know it, I was searching for something. And through my Bible and these books, God was providing answers by revealing Himself and His truths to me. 

In February, I was given the opportunity to become the Children & Youth Director at my home church. It was a job I was interested in, but I really wanted to move out of Somerville. I was still hoping for a job that would set me on the “perfect path” for my future, and this wasn’t it. I struggled for days on making a decision. I ended up having an emotional breakdown, because I put so much pressure on myself. But eventually, I decided that I would take the position. 

Shortly after taking the position, Covid hit and businesses started shutting down. Our church closed, but I was, thankfully, able to continue working. While the pandemic was a surprise to me, it wasn’t to God. And I began to see how he had been working in my life. If I had gotten one of the jobs I prayed, pleaded and cried over, I probably would have lost it when the pandemic started. I would have been in a new place and without money to pay my bills. Months ago I was questioning God about so many shut doors. Now, I’m thanking Him for that. 

While Covid did put a damper on many of my plans, it also saved me in a sense. I had become so caught up in my “what’s next,” I stopped hearing and believing in God’s truths for my life. Since moving home, He had opened my eyes to some truths about Christianity. Now He was going to start working on me personally… I was trying to live as a radical Christian while caring about what the world had to say. But you can’t do that. They don’t mix. Covid gave me the insight I needed to see things from God’s point of view. The insight to stop worrying about finding a job the world deems worthy. To stop trying to live the American dream. I wasn’t made for that lifestyle. 

In April, the height of the pandemic and quarantine, I was still trying to figure out my what’s next and was beginning to be more open about working in missions. This is when the World Race came to mind. And honestly, I knew it was the right next step even before looking at the website.  And so I applied. 

As I began my Work Race journey, I had to continue to trust in God and His provision. Around this time, I also joined a new small group who is intentional about preaching the gospel and its truth. Through both of these things, God has transformed my thinking and brought me to a much better place emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I still don’t see myself living in Somerville forever, but I am content here. I am thankful I have the privilege to live at home. And I am joyfully dwelling in the Lord!

**Sorry for the long post, but thanks for sticking with it until the end! I tried making it shorter, but I could literally write a book about my journey with the Lord over the past 16 months!**