Letting Go

I was fortunate to grow up going to church every week, but the topic of baptism was never really discussed. Because I knew I had been baptized as a baby, I never gave much thought to what this meant for my relationship with God or really what baptism means in general. But as I got older and became involved in ministries associated with other denominations, I heard various baptism beliefs and started questioning what I believed.

I believed that baptism was an outward expression of faith and that it is not required for salvation. I also believed that my infant baptism counted as baptism. I heard of people who are baptized what seems like every year, and I knew I didn’t believe that. In my mind, the only options were being baptized once or fanatically. Since I believed my infant baptism counted, I did not need to be baptized again. Besides, it had been years since I gave my life to Christ, so why would I do this now?

But over the past couple of years, I have really fought the idea of being baptized. I knew if I was baptized I would not want to be sprinkled (which is the custom at my church). And it sounds silly, but I did not want to just be baptized anywhere. It had to be the right time and the right place. Besides that, I still hadn’t figured out what I fully believed. When researching baptism I didn’t know who to talk to about the specifics, so I searched on my own. I never found the specific answers I was looking for and eventually I quit trying.

Last month I visited a friend in Texas, and (without me even mentioning it) she encouraged me to keep seeking baptism out. This placed the idea back in my head, and while I had good intentions to seek out more answers I still didn’t know who to talk to.

Roughly a month after visiting with my friend, I arrived at training camp. I quickly had the feeling I should talk to Doug and Kris about baptism. While we never had the chance to talk in detail about it, Doug suggested I read Romans 5 & 6. I read the chapters that night. And then again a couple of days later. Looking back, I know I felt God trying to speak to me, but I turned my head so I couldn’t hear. During worship Thursday afternoon, Tymon spoke up about what the Lord was telling Him which led us gathering in small groups to pray. As my group was praying, the thought of baptism came to my mind as did the thought “Do it now or you never will.” I told the girls I had prayed with that I wanted to be baptized. And then I went to find Kris and Doug to ask them if there would be any way for that to happen.

We had our session and some quick announcements, and then we headed out to the circle drive where the kiddie pool was waiting for me. Honestly, it was a strange feeling for everyone to be congregated outside for something I had decided to do. After being baptized, everyone ran at me for a group hug. And in that moment, God gave me a wonderful glimpse of Heaven. It’s not strange that there was a group of people around. It’s not strange that they celebrated my decision. It’s not strange, because they are a representation of who He is. And in that moment, my squad was imitating God.

So what changed my mind? Well, the simple answer: the Holy Spirit. The simple nudges weren’t working, so He “shouted” at me through the words of my squadmates and then directly to me- all in a matter of (maybe) five minutes. But in more detail: In the first post, I used the words “fought the idea of being baptized.” Initially those were just the words I typed, but that is exactly what I was doing. My stubbornness was fighting God. While many of my baptism views are the same, He was calling me to be baptized. But I didn’t care what He wanted; I wanted to fully understand everything about baptism before I made a decision. 

But eventually, I let go of having to “know it all” as I was reminded of John 3:8 “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.” This verse is a constant reminder to me that I don’t have to understand everything about God (because I won’t) before I listen to and trust Him. 

While I’m sure God was celebrating, I bet He was having a good laugh too. Like I said, I figured if I ever got baptized it would be this “picture perfect” day. My perfectionist side never would have dreamed of me being baptized in a kiddie pool while wearing sweatpants. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, because, in that moment, God showed me the true beauty of giving Him my whole-hearted yes.